Professor of Physics’ Brain Besmarted by Faith Healery

“Every day I wake up, go through the crossword, then try to solve equations that explain the nature of the universe.”

Francis Xavier Guiles, noted professor of physics, was not always this way. Born with a debilitating brain disorder, he spent most of his life on the streets, begging for change. “I don’t know why I bothered.” He’d often muse, “I’d just end up swallowing most of it.”

But everything changed for him in July 2003, when a passer-by brought Guiles to see Benny Hinn, a wealthy televangelist, author, and all around Jesus pal. Lord Hinn regularly organizes “Miracle Crusades” in which he heals the sick through the power of prayer, asking for nothing in return but his follower’s acceptance of Jesus, and millions of dollars in donations.

I had the opportunity to interview Professor Guiles in his U of T office, where he recounted his miraculous transformation.

“My memories of the events leading up to the healing are foggy due to my former condition,” The professor reminisced, “but everything that follows is clear as a bell.” Guiles puffed on a gold rimmed pipe, adjusted his bifocals, and straightened his “I’m With Stupid (compared to me)” T-shirt before he continued. “Benny Hinn put his hand on my forehead, closed his eyes, and bellowed a prayer into the microphone. I felt a white light enter my soul, and radiate through my entire body. Then I fell back, screaming some sort of gibberish, something I had been doing my whole life, but this was different. This was Godly gibberish. Then suddenly, the light faded, and everything was clear. The doctors tell me my IQ shot up close to 200 points that day.”

I asked Guiles what his first thoughts were, following these miraculous events. “Oh, that’s when I realized the whole thing was a hoax.” He replied. “It’s all just actors, hypnotism, and magic tricks used to fool the desperate into handing over their money. I mean, c’mon! You actually believe that crap? What are you, a retard?”

It was at this point that I cut my interview with Xavier short, as Lindsey Lohan had just returned to rehab again. God, I hate my job.

Odourboy's Fascist Fashion Passion Bastion:

Strapless Dress, or Hapless Mess?

Hey there, Fashionistas. I'll be blunt. I'm no fashion guru. I never studied fashion design, or even shoe tying. I don't wave around effeminate fans with Karl Lagerfeld. I don't sip mint juleps with Tommy Hilfiger on the plantation. Nor do i throw gin bottles at children with Donatella Versace's reanimated corpse. Sorry, what? She's still alive? Wow. I don't do any of those things. I'm just a simple guy who puts on his burlap sack, one leg hole at a time. But even simple hill folk, like me, can see giant gaping holes in the logic of the conventional fashion practices of today. One of those being... any guesses? No, not sweatshops, silly! I'm referring, of course, to the strapless dress!

The fact that the strapless dress caught on is nothing short of a miracle. (move over, Saint David Blaine) I know that when one sees a picture of a model in a strapless dress, she (or he?) looks fantastic. But one thing that the average person does not take into consideration, is that five seconds after the shutter clicks, that model is hiking up that slipping dress top, for fear that someone besides her agent, might see her modely money-makers. Doesn't quite look so good then, does it? Therein lies the problem. An outfit cannot look good if the wearer must constantly fidget, and fuss with it.

Scientists from N.A.S.A calculated the slip rate of the strapless dress to 1.457 microcubits/gigasecond. This equates to a total number of boobal repositionings (you pulling up your dress top) of 12 per hour, or once every five minutes. I recently had the opportunity to test these findings, by peeking in the window of a local high school prom. Luckily, before being dragged away by police, I managed to see that the entire room was packed, wall to wall, with post pubescent girls wearing dresses "mit out strap". Young, sweet, luscious girls... Anyway my point is, that at any given time, there was at least one girl with her hands on her sagging boob holder, yanking it back up to where it belonged, denying both her date, and I, the only real reason that we were there.

The scientists assured me that there were ways to counteract this strapless droop effect. Here are some practical examples of ways you could do this for your next strapless event. You could:

• make the dress out of stainless steel, then bandage where necessary
• ensure that the dress is so tight around your chest, that not even your screams may escape
• completely cover your body with double-sided duct tape, then apply the dress in sections
• coerce a group of anglers to sit in the rafters, tugging at your top with fishing lures
• proceed as normal, then hire a team from Industrial Light and Magic to digitally alter all pictures and videos taken during the event
• surgically replace your nipples with Velcro tabs
• or, and this is a weird one, PUT A FREAKING STRAP ON IT!!!!

With all of these scientific arguments against the strapless dress, it is a wonder why it has taken us, as a species, so long to see the truth about them. Perhaps, we were just to busy balancing on our high heels to notice.

Breaking News: Local Man Loses Lottery

34 year old Steven Clemens, from Brampton Ontario, just found out that he failed, once again, to win the 6 million dollar Super 7 Jackpot. With not even one of his numbers coming within fifteen of the drawn results, he was not even close.

"I've been playing this lottery for over nine weeks." Clemens was quoted as saying, "You'd have thought I'd have won at least a couple of times by now." But for some odd reason, Clemens' numbers have never been picked. "I always play the same numbers," Clemens explained, "my wife's age, and my two girl's birthdays. I don't want to blame them, but I'm just not sure what else to think."

The actual winner, some 46 year old tart of a waitress, has been featured in many papers throughout the province. "I don't get it." says Clemens, "Every time I read about the lottery, I always see that some new person has won millions! It's like the lottery people are just giving away free money to everyone else, but they expect me to keep paying them for tickets, without getting anything in return!" Clemens then added, "Well I'm sorry, but that's just not how the world works."

Though crestfallen from the tragedy of these recent events, Clemens plans to continue playing Super 7, in the hopes that this bizarre abnormality will one day correct itself.

News You Can Re-Use

Dateline: Wednesday August 8th, 2007

A bridge has collapsed. A mine, imploded. 6 men are still trapped inside. A global stock market slump threatens disaster. The Iraq war rages on. The Darfur crisis has no end in sight... But against all odds, ONE paper has the GUTS to report what the PEOPLE want, no... NEED to see:

God Bless You, Toronto Sun!

The Most Legitimatest Newsy-Thing
In All of History Times!

Now there's only one story left to cover:

What ever happened to Batboy?

Anti-Sasquatch Alliance

Here's a Facebook group I began a short while ago:

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2426102389

Are you tired of sasquatches coming into our country, squatting on our land, using our resources, and stealing our jobs? Then you need to join this group!

The Anti-Sasquatch Alliance is dedicated to ridding our fair country of this hairy menace. Too long have sasquatches been free to sneak into our neighbourhoods, stroll through camera shots, steal our pic-a-nic baskets, and corrupt our children! Kids today already think it’s “cool” to stride through the forest and forage for berries. How will you like it when out-of-focus pictures of THEM show up on the internet? How long will it be before these shaggy trouble makers start dating our daughters? YOU know what they say about big feet! Our girls can’t resist that!!

Bigfoot numbers are getting out of hand. PUN INTENDED! The government needs to seize control, and send those apey bipeds back to their mountainous woodlands, and Disney soundstages where they belong, or we’ll have to do it ourselves!

Alan Kennedy
Founder

Please attend one of our many Anti-Sasquatch seminars in your area, and hear a speech from our esteemed A.S.A. spokesperson, John Lithgow.

Breaking News: Blog Created, World Changed Forever

In the mid-afternoon on August 7, 2007 world leaders exhaled a sigh of relief as a new blogger arrived on the web, issuing in a new era of peace and prosperity for all. The blogger, Odourboy, the name being decreed by God himself (it was the first name that God tried that wasn't taken), promises that his blog will be a breath of fresh air.

"The internet is filled with blogs from people of all walks of life, sharing all of their different beliefs, and opinions." Odourboy stated in a press conference, early Tuesday Morning, "The way that my blog will differ, is that MY beliefs and opinions are correct." He then proceeded to down a bottle of cough syrup, flip off various members of the press, and push his way towards the ladies room, where he remained for hours.

We applaud this new voice of reason, and we eagerly await his sagely words of wisdom. Surely, August 7th will forever be known as the day something was posted on the internet.