Will Net Neutrality Affect Our Pornography?

An expert commentary by Professor R. J. Pendleton

Everyone knows that unless net neutrality is enforced, there will be a tremendously harsh impact on small businesses, free market competition, internet prices, democracy, freedom of speech, and privacy. Yeah yeah, whatever. But will a lack of net neutrality affect the thing on the internet that people actually care about, pornography? The answer, of course, is "Duh", you idiot.

Net neutrality is the idea that all traffic on the interweb moves at the same rate. Internet service providers (ISP's) wish to change that, making the internet into a tiered system whereby web sites will have to pay the ISP's big bucks in order to have access to the net at full speed. To illustrate, imagine it's the 1950's, and you're sitting in a local burger joint, sharing a malt with your best girl. (Note: In order for this analogy to work for you, you will have to have at least one penis.) In comes the pompadour-sporting, leather jacket-clad greaser, named... oh, say Bell Rogerson. He grabs your straw with his fingers, and squeezes, telling you to pay up, or he won't let go. Meanwhile Bessy-Lou is sucking up all of the malt through her straw, which is terrible because bulimia hasn't been invented, and she's going to look chunky for the big dance. The ISP's wish to be that greaser, and it's tough to blame them, because he does seem pretty cool.

If The ISP's succeed, it will mean that they will be able to slow down access to any sites they wish, as well as peer to peer file sharing between internet users. This will be incredibly detrimental to the average pornography viewer as the majority of porn sites are humble Mom, Pop, and naughty co-ed operations, which would not have the money to pay for the higher speeds. Of course, there would still be big business porn sites that would have the ability to pay, but they would all cater to mainstream audiences. What about the dirtier, raunchier, abnormal porn of questionable legality that I like? That stuff would be much harder to find, and the download speeds would be so terrible that I probably wouldn't even finish downloading one 5 minute upskirt video before I had a class to teach.

And what about those of us that make our own movies to share? For example, if I were to upload a video of myself in latex, hanging upside down, being asphyxiated by oatmeal, without net neutrality it would be almost impossible for anyone to see it, and there goes half the thrill right there.

The answer is clear. There must be net neutrality legislation ASAP. Please call or write your government representatives, and make sure they do the things in the law making place. Lusty school girls everywhere are counting on you.

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