The Anti-Friendship E-Poem

Some people contribute to society, others write chain letters poems. Apparently, I'm the latter. I was sent one too many cutesy friendship poems, and this is the result:

Feel free to steal this from me, and forward it to YOUR friends!
...(ahem) former friends.

Why do We Fear the Sasquatch? A Poem

Someone asked me once:

"Why do we fear the sasquatch?"

Oh I don't know, maybe because:

A) They're unnatural
B) They faked the moon landing
C) They're stockpiling depleated uranium
D) They're destroying the sanctity of marriage
E) Our radar cannot detect their submarines, so they probably have undetectable submarines
F) They control Hollywood
G) They think they're so cool
H) They make us spend our precious time composing lists
I) They stole me lucky charms
And finally...
J) They make you love them, then they break your heart :'(

So think of this next time you feel like asking a stupid question, and maybe YOU won't end up tied to a chair in my garage.

Child Born with Mark of the Beast

It is a tale as old as time.

...Or as old as the New Testament anyway. The events prophesied by the Christian Bible, and then more accurately by Hollywood, have finally come to pass. On September 4th of this year, a child was born to Frida and Richard Barton. Mikey, as they named him, is a normal, healthy baby in every way, except for small complication that he may, in fact, be pure evil. The evidence for this is the unambiguous marking which adorns the child's visage. It is the infamous mark of the beast, the beast from Disney's Beauty and the Beast, to be exact.

The Bartons were surprised at first. "We assumed it was a rub-on child's tattoo that the doctor, or one of the nursing staff had put on Mikey as a gag." explained Frida. "Even when the doctor's eyes turned black and he collapsed dead, we just thought he was very committed to the joke."

However in retrospect, the Bartons noticed oddities about the pregnancy from the very beginning. "We were having trouble conceiving at first." Frida recalled. "Then I began having horrible nightmares about Disney C.E.O., Bob Iger, negotiating a merger with Pixar. Two weeks later, I was pregnant. We really should have known."

Despite the fact that their child may signify the end of humanity, The Bartons are coping well with the development. "His marking isn't all that bad." Richard mused about his son's disfigurement. "We liked the Disney movie. Frankly, I would have preferred the singing teapot, but after all, prophesy is prophesy! We'll probably cover it up with makeup, you know, so he doesn't get teased at school."

As far as the apocalypse is concerned, one thing is for certain. Now that the events are unfolding, we can all finally stop worrying about it. Just take a page from the book of Bartons, and look on the bright side! For as Richard says, "Sure, it's embarrassing that we happened to sire the Antichrist, but at least we only have to live with it until the end of time!"

Aside from kidnapping a number of our reporters, Disney has yet to address the issue.