Benedict XVI's not here, man! The Vatican Goes All Hippie-Like

There must have been something funny in the Eucharist last Sabbath. Archbishop Gianfranco Girotti, "Oddjob" to Pope Benedict's "Goldfinger", has come out with a new list of modern sins that most would agree sounds pretty "groovy". The list includes a few of the old "greatest hits" such as: Thou shalt not sheath thine serpent in latex, and Thou shalt keepeth thine stem cells to thine self. But among the obligatory conservative dogma, a few progressive notes happened to slip in. Girotti rallied against big business, excessive wealth, polluters, and any who help widen the gap between the rich and the poor. Yes, he really stuck it to "The Man".

Girotti went on to say that, "You offend God...[by] carrying out morally debatable experiments that manipulate DNA..."

Hearing things like this is enough to make a left wing liberal spill his bong water in shock. It's amazing that it has taken so long for hippies and the Vatican to find some common ground, particularly since Jesus was the first hippie (not counting Adam and Steve). As nice as these events are, however, they do bring to light an issue I've had with the extreme left for quite some time.

First let me say this: I like hippies. They are open minded, friendly, and generous. I agree with most of what they stand for, enjoy their loose, hairy women, and believe they have done nothing but improve North America ever since they immigrated here from their native Amsterdam.

What is this problem I have with the hippies? Is it their 3:00 AM drum circles? Chronic, indiscriminate drug use? Ineffective deodorant? Dreadlocks? No, all those things are adorable. I am referring, of course, to the issue of genetic engineering.

Hippies and the cartoonishly religious shun anything to do with genetic modification (as it is defined today), and hippies are particularly wary of any genetic alteration in our food chain. I grant you that genetic experimentation should not be entered into lightly, and there is a great danger in allowing corporations too much control over the process. No one wants to see a 400 ton Ronald McDonald rampaging down the block. The man sized version is creepy enough. DNA manipulation is a powerful tool, and thus, could potentially be turned into a dangerous weapon, just like nuclear energy, or the paper clips I shoot at pedestrians, but I think the potential benefits far outweigh the possible problems, just like Ashley Olson far outweighs Mary-Kate.

Lets take a step back, for a moment, and discuss what genetic alteration actually is. Don't look now, but your DNA has already been manipulated. So has the DNA of your family, friends, the tree in your yard, the ladybug on its branch, and the rat in your lab that you do genetic experiments on. Your ancestors have been selectively bred for generations, changing the way you think, look and act, simply by virtue of the fact that they survived just long enough to pop out a kid. It's a completely natural process of evolution that has gone on ever since life began, at least 40 or so years ago.

"That's all well, and good!" you say. "But that's nature! (or Vishnu) Man shouldn't try to change it, himself!"

Well first, I'll kindly ask you to use gender non-specifics, you sexist bastard. Secondly, humans have been screwing with gene pools since before the invention of the outhouse. One example of this is the common dog, or Canis poopus couchstainius. We humans took domesticated wolves, and changed their DNA by breeding them based on the traits we wanted to see, until they eventually became every different kind of dog that exists today. Thats why they call those types a "breed", and that's also why deep in the heart of every toy poodle is a vicious killer lusting for your blood. The results are the same, the DNA is changed, and godless monsters are created. It's just the processes that are different.

If Pope Jr. is right, and this is the line between good and evil, then dog show participants are more hell bound than I thought, and that mullet-haired guy who drowns kittens in the park is doing God's work. I owe Donald an apology.

It's going to take a while, but once we've mastered playing genetic Plinko, it will spell the end of most of the worlds problems. Disease, famine, amputations, Victoria Beckham, even the energy crisis will all be things of the past. What's more is, despite whatever anyone might say or do, it's a-gonna happen. The genetic age is coming, and no amount of Bible quotes, or magic brownies will stop it. So don't waste your booze fueled passion (this applies to both groups) on halting genetic research. Use it, instead, to steer it in a safely democratic, anti-corporate direction, so as to keep it out of the hands of the Debbies of the world. (Sorry, Debbie's a woman that works at my office. She can be a real bitch.)

Witch Faith is Which? Muslims & Christians: Coven Together at Long Cast

Friendship a brewin'? After centuries of religious disagreements between Muslims and Christians, finally the two faiths have found some common ground. The first step toward unity was taken by the Sunni Muslims of Saudi Arabia, who have recently made it a practice to honor Christian tradition by systematically tracking down, and prosecuting witches.

Before you adjust your computer clock, let me reassure you. This is not the 17th century. We are still in 2008, and Britney Spears is still in rehab.

The most publicized witch hunt of late, involves a middle aged, illiterate, Saudi woman named Fawza Falih, who now faces execution. [story here] In 2005, Ms Falih was detained by the Saudi Religious Police for (among other things) making a man impotent, something that, as I tell my wife, never occurs without witchcraft being involved. Keeping with the time honored practices of the Christian Church, the Saudis made defending herself next to impossible, forcing Ms Falih to finger print a confession that she could not read, and was not even read to her. Being that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, Christians the world over are taking this development as a sign that reconciliation between the two faiths may be on the horizon.

"You know, we really do have a lot in common." said Father O'Priestenson, a made up religious figure and imaginary spokesperson of the Christian faith. "I mean, both religions worship one God, we're all pretty uptight about sex, not big fans of the Jews, and we hate women. The Muslims just have the balls to take it to the next level! We used to do that." he added somberly. "But we've lost our way. We've lost our way."

Religious leaders on both sides, hope to capitalize on the current trend, and are encouraging affability. The Vatican recently stated its intentions to take the Muslims lead, and return to its more "Inquisitionary" roots. As a gesture of good will, Pope Benedict XVI plans to send Harry Potter star, Daniel Radcliff, to the Saudi Senior Council of Clerics as a gift, for them to deal with as they see fit.

The evil sorceress community, however, is less than thrilled with this development, many of them even choosing to live in hiding.

"This is a costume!" said one magical hag, when reached for comment. "We're doing Hansel and Gretel for my school play. Witches aren't real! I know that, and I'm six!" Sources report, she has become less snotty since being shipped off to Al-Hasa.

It is not known how long this run of religious amiability will last. The future is difficult to predict, particularly since, in some places, it is punishable by death. However it doesn't take an image in a bubbling cauldron for this reporter to see, that this bond will last for a very long time, providing no one brings up the topic of alcohol, television, or Jesus.

Connect the Dots!

Finished?

Surprise! It's the prophet, Mohammad!
Now RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!

Child Born with Mark of the Beast

It is a tale as old as time.

...Or as old as the New Testament anyway. The events prophesied by the Christian Bible, and then more accurately by Hollywood, have finally come to pass. On September 4th of this year, a child was born to Frida and Richard Barton. Mikey, as they named him, is a normal, healthy baby in every way, except for small complication that he may, in fact, be pure evil. The evidence for this is the unambiguous marking which adorns the child's visage. It is the infamous mark of the beast, the beast from Disney's Beauty and the Beast, to be exact.

The Bartons were surprised at first. "We assumed it was a rub-on child's tattoo that the doctor, or one of the nursing staff had put on Mikey as a gag." explained Frida. "Even when the doctor's eyes turned black and he collapsed dead, we just thought he was very committed to the joke."

However in retrospect, the Bartons noticed oddities about the pregnancy from the very beginning. "We were having trouble conceiving at first." Frida recalled. "Then I began having horrible nightmares about Disney C.E.O., Bob Iger, negotiating a merger with Pixar. Two weeks later, I was pregnant. We really should have known."

Despite the fact that their child may signify the end of humanity, The Bartons are coping well with the development. "His marking isn't all that bad." Richard mused about his son's disfigurement. "We liked the Disney movie. Frankly, I would have preferred the singing teapot, but after all, prophesy is prophesy! We'll probably cover it up with makeup, you know, so he doesn't get teased at school."

As far as the apocalypse is concerned, one thing is for certain. Now that the events are unfolding, we can all finally stop worrying about it. Just take a page from the book of Bartons, and look on the bright side! For as Richard says, "Sure, it's embarrassing that we happened to sire the Antichrist, but at least we only have to live with it until the end of time!"

Aside from kidnapping a number of our reporters, Disney has yet to address the issue.

Professor of Physics’ Brain Besmarted by Faith Healery

“Every day I wake up, go through the crossword, then try to solve equations that explain the nature of the universe.”

Francis Xavier Guiles, noted professor of physics, was not always this way. Born with a debilitating brain disorder, he spent most of his life on the streets, begging for change. “I don’t know why I bothered.” He’d often muse, “I’d just end up swallowing most of it.”

But everything changed for him in July 2003, when a passer-by brought Guiles to see Benny Hinn, a wealthy televangelist, author, and all around Jesus pal. Lord Hinn regularly organizes “Miracle Crusades” in which he heals the sick through the power of prayer, asking for nothing in return but his follower’s acceptance of Jesus, and millions of dollars in donations.

I had the opportunity to interview Professor Guiles in his U of T office, where he recounted his miraculous transformation.

“My memories of the events leading up to the healing are foggy due to my former condition,” The professor reminisced, “but everything that follows is clear as a bell.” Guiles puffed on a gold rimmed pipe, adjusted his bifocals, and straightened his “I’m With Stupid (compared to me)” T-shirt before he continued. “Benny Hinn put his hand on my forehead, closed his eyes, and bellowed a prayer into the microphone. I felt a white light enter my soul, and radiate through my entire body. Then I fell back, screaming some sort of gibberish, something I had been doing my whole life, but this was different. This was Godly gibberish. Then suddenly, the light faded, and everything was clear. The doctors tell me my IQ shot up close to 200 points that day.”

I asked Guiles what his first thoughts were, following these miraculous events. “Oh, that’s when I realized the whole thing was a hoax.” He replied. “It’s all just actors, hypnotism, and magic tricks used to fool the desperate into handing over their money. I mean, c’mon! You actually believe that crap? What are you, a retard?”

It was at this point that I cut my interview with Xavier short, as Lindsey Lohan had just returned to rehab again. God, I hate my job.