Bush: "Gotcha!" Joke Presidency an Actual Joke

In the largest press conference in presidential history, today George W. Bush addressed a crowd of thousands for what he called an emergency "Talkie-Thing". Uncharacteristically for the Bush administration, every member of the press from the largest cable news station reporters, to the smallest left-wing college newspaper editors were invited to hear the President speak.

"I know many of you have been wondering for quite some time," Bush began. "how it is that I am still your president."

There were some murmurs in the crowd, and one "We love you!" from a Fox News correspondent.

"I admit, I haven't been what most would consider to be a 'good', 'effective', or even 'remotely competent' president. Some of you, I'm sure, think that I should be impeached, while others are completely baffled as to how I got here in the first place." Bush laughed softly as he looked out at the crowd, his head bobbing slightly. "Well to that, all I have to say, is April Fools!"

Amid an array of gasps, grumbles, and sobs, the President continued his prepared speech, then gave up, after failing to pronounce the surprisingly real word, "comicality". According to the speech, Bush's entire time in office has been one giant, 8-year-long practical joke designed to culminate on this, the last April Fools day of his presidency.

The President carried on, ad-lib. "I mean, I didn't even win in the first place! Everyone knows that! This guy did!" He gestured to his left, as a laughing Al Gore took the stage.

Putting his arm over Bush's shoulder, Gore stated, "I just wanted to see the look on all of your faces! Totally worth it!" A quick high-five between the two followed, as well as a pretend punch to the stomach thrown by the Nobel Prize winner. "Thank God for the Supreme Court, and those paperless voting machines." Gore chuckled, "You people almost blew the joke!"

Gore explained that the Supreme Court Justices were all in on the gag, as was the house, senate, John Kerry, John McCain, and Iraqi Prime Minister al-Maliki.

"Not Saddam, though." added Bush. "That guy's got no sense of humor."

When asked about the Iraq war, the looming recession, the corporate scandals, corruption, and the disastrous Katrina relief, Bush responded, "Well of course I had to be bad at my job, otherwise the prank wouldn't have been very funny, now would it?" He then added, "Oh, and don't forget 9/11! My thanks to Prince Bandar and his boys, for helping to make that happen."

Now that the April Fools Day shenanigans are all out of the way, Bush stated that he plans to retire early from his job as commander in chief, leaving the position empty until 2009. For as he put it, "It's not like I was going to do anything in the next nine months anyway, except bomb Iran, but I'll let the next president pull that prank."

Benedict XVI's not here, man! The Vatican Goes All Hippie-Like

There must have been something funny in the Eucharist last Sabbath. Archbishop Gianfranco Girotti, "Oddjob" to Pope Benedict's "Goldfinger", has come out with a new list of modern sins that most would agree sounds pretty "groovy". The list includes a few of the old "greatest hits" such as: Thou shalt not sheath thine serpent in latex, and Thou shalt keepeth thine stem cells to thine self. But among the obligatory conservative dogma, a few progressive notes happened to slip in. Girotti rallied against big business, excessive wealth, polluters, and any who help widen the gap between the rich and the poor. Yes, he really stuck it to "The Man".

Girotti went on to say that, "You offend God...[by] carrying out morally debatable experiments that manipulate DNA..."

Hearing things like this is enough to make a left wing liberal spill his bong water in shock. It's amazing that it has taken so long for hippies and the Vatican to find some common ground, particularly since Jesus was the first hippie (not counting Adam and Steve). As nice as these events are, however, they do bring to light an issue I've had with the extreme left for quite some time.

First let me say this: I like hippies. They are open minded, friendly, and generous. I agree with most of what they stand for, enjoy their loose, hairy women, and believe they have done nothing but improve North America ever since they immigrated here from their native Amsterdam.

What is this problem I have with the hippies? Is it their 3:00 AM drum circles? Chronic, indiscriminate drug use? Ineffective deodorant? Dreadlocks? No, all those things are adorable. I am referring, of course, to the issue of genetic engineering.

Hippies and the cartoonishly religious shun anything to do with genetic modification (as it is defined today), and hippies are particularly wary of any genetic alteration in our food chain. I grant you that genetic experimentation should not be entered into lightly, and there is a great danger in allowing corporations too much control over the process. No one wants to see a 400 ton Ronald McDonald rampaging down the block. The man sized version is creepy enough. DNA manipulation is a powerful tool, and thus, could potentially be turned into a dangerous weapon, just like nuclear energy, or the paper clips I shoot at pedestrians, but I think the potential benefits far outweigh the possible problems, just like Ashley Olson far outweighs Mary-Kate.

Lets take a step back, for a moment, and discuss what genetic alteration actually is. Don't look now, but your DNA has already been manipulated. So has the DNA of your family, friends, the tree in your yard, the ladybug on its branch, and the rat in your lab that you do genetic experiments on. Your ancestors have been selectively bred for generations, changing the way you think, look and act, simply by virtue of the fact that they survived just long enough to pop out a kid. It's a completely natural process of evolution that has gone on ever since life began, at least 40 or so years ago.

"That's all well, and good!" you say. "But that's nature! (or Vishnu) Man shouldn't try to change it, himself!"

Well first, I'll kindly ask you to use gender non-specifics, you sexist bastard. Secondly, humans have been screwing with gene pools since before the invention of the outhouse. One example of this is the common dog, or Canis poopus couchstainius. We humans took domesticated wolves, and changed their DNA by breeding them based on the traits we wanted to see, until they eventually became every different kind of dog that exists today. Thats why they call those types a "breed", and that's also why deep in the heart of every toy poodle is a vicious killer lusting for your blood. The results are the same, the DNA is changed, and godless monsters are created. It's just the processes that are different.

If Pope Jr. is right, and this is the line between good and evil, then dog show participants are more hell bound than I thought, and that mullet-haired guy who drowns kittens in the park is doing God's work. I owe Donald an apology.

It's going to take a while, but once we've mastered playing genetic Plinko, it will spell the end of most of the worlds problems. Disease, famine, amputations, Victoria Beckham, even the energy crisis will all be things of the past. What's more is, despite whatever anyone might say or do, it's a-gonna happen. The genetic age is coming, and no amount of Bible quotes, or magic brownies will stop it. So don't waste your booze fueled passion (this applies to both groups) on halting genetic research. Use it, instead, to steer it in a safely democratic, anti-corporate direction, so as to keep it out of the hands of the Debbies of the world. (Sorry, Debbie's a woman that works at my office. She can be a real bitch.)

Witch Faith is Which? Muslims & Christians: Coven Together at Long Cast

Friendship a brewin'? After centuries of religious disagreements between Muslims and Christians, finally the two faiths have found some common ground. The first step toward unity was taken by the Sunni Muslims of Saudi Arabia, who have recently made it a practice to honor Christian tradition by systematically tracking down, and prosecuting witches.

Before you adjust your computer clock, let me reassure you. This is not the 17th century. We are still in 2008, and Britney Spears is still in rehab.

The most publicized witch hunt of late, involves a middle aged, illiterate, Saudi woman named Fawza Falih, who now faces execution. [story here] In 2005, Ms Falih was detained by the Saudi Religious Police for (among other things) making a man impotent, something that, as I tell my wife, never occurs without witchcraft being involved. Keeping with the time honored practices of the Christian Church, the Saudis made defending herself next to impossible, forcing Ms Falih to finger print a confession that she could not read, and was not even read to her. Being that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, Christians the world over are taking this development as a sign that reconciliation between the two faiths may be on the horizon.

"You know, we really do have a lot in common." said Father O'Priestenson, a made up religious figure and imaginary spokesperson of the Christian faith. "I mean, both religions worship one God, we're all pretty uptight about sex, not big fans of the Jews, and we hate women. The Muslims just have the balls to take it to the next level! We used to do that." he added somberly. "But we've lost our way. We've lost our way."

Religious leaders on both sides, hope to capitalize on the current trend, and are encouraging affability. The Vatican recently stated its intentions to take the Muslims lead, and return to its more "Inquisitionary" roots. As a gesture of good will, Pope Benedict XVI plans to send Harry Potter star, Daniel Radcliff, to the Saudi Senior Council of Clerics as a gift, for them to deal with as they see fit.

The evil sorceress community, however, is less than thrilled with this development, many of them even choosing to live in hiding.

"This is a costume!" said one magical hag, when reached for comment. "We're doing Hansel and Gretel for my school play. Witches aren't real! I know that, and I'm six!" Sources report, she has become less snotty since being shipped off to Al-Hasa.

It is not known how long this run of religious amiability will last. The future is difficult to predict, particularly since, in some places, it is punishable by death. However it doesn't take an image in a bubbling cauldron for this reporter to see, that this bond will last for a very long time, providing no one brings up the topic of alcohol, television, or Jesus.

Breaking News: Bush to Commission Cloned Army

With frequent troop rotations in Iraq and Afghanistan, a recruitment slump, and the potential for an Iran war still looming on the horizon, concerns that the U.S. army may be overextended are growing.

"It's stretched to the breaking point." said Andrew Krepinevich, a retired army officer who authored a Pentagon report known as The Thin Green Line. "Any additional stress and it could completely fracture." Though he was referring to a lone paper clip that was holding together the 136-page report, he could just as easily have been speaking about the military.

Wasting no time, President Bush stated in a press conference, today, that he plans to commission a new army of super clones to aid the struggling U.S. military. These clones will, and have already been, grown and maintained by private companies similar to Blackwater and other mercenary outfits that the U.S. currently has on its payroll.

Bush touted the benefits of his new army. "Clones can think creatively, making them immensely superior to droids." he began. "They are 100% obedient, taking any order without question. They have been modified to make them less independent than the original host, Carl Rove."

The announcement has caused ripples of controversy throughout Washington. The fact that the clones are already grown, and able to be stationed, raises some questions. One being, "WTF?" another being, "Why?" Even with growth acceleration, the current batch of clones would had to have been initiated over a decade ago, meaning that the project must have been going on secretly for years. As chairman of the Democratic National Committee, Howard Dean, was quoted as saying, "Blind we are, if creation of this clone army we could not see."

On top of this, there are fears that any army made up of hired mercenaries, cloned or not, is lacking in oversight, not beholden to the people, and could easily be used against the United States citizenry in a military coup/empire creation. However, President Bush successfully squelched those fears by promising that, although the tactic has been attempted in numerous societies, and blockbuster movies throughout history, he will never ever try it in the U.S., he pinky swears.