Bush: "Gotcha!" Joke Presidency an Actual Joke

In the largest press conference in presidential history, today George W. Bush addressed a crowd of thousands for what he called an emergency "Talkie-Thing". Uncharacteristically for the Bush administration, every member of the press from the largest cable news station reporters, to the smallest left-wing college newspaper editors were invited to hear the President speak.

"I know many of you have been wondering for quite some time," Bush began. "how it is that I am still your president."

There were some murmurs in the crowd, and one "We love you!" from a Fox News correspondent.

"I admit, I haven't been what most would consider to be a 'good', 'effective', or even 'remotely competent' president. Some of you, I'm sure, think that I should be impeached, while others are completely baffled as to how I got here in the first place." Bush laughed softly as he looked out at the crowd, his head bobbing slightly. "Well to that, all I have to say, is April Fools!"

Amid an array of gasps, grumbles, and sobs, the President continued his prepared speech, then gave up, after failing to pronounce the surprisingly real word, "comicality". According to the speech, Bush's entire time in office has been one giant, 8-year-long practical joke designed to culminate on this, the last April Fools day of his presidency.

The President carried on, ad-lib. "I mean, I didn't even win in the first place! Everyone knows that! This guy did!" He gestured to his left, as a laughing Al Gore took the stage.

Putting his arm over Bush's shoulder, Gore stated, "I just wanted to see the look on all of your faces! Totally worth it!" A quick high-five between the two followed, as well as a pretend punch to the stomach thrown by the Nobel Prize winner. "Thank God for the Supreme Court, and those paperless voting machines." Gore chuckled, "You people almost blew the joke!"

Gore explained that the Supreme Court Justices were all in on the gag, as was the house, senate, John Kerry, John McCain, and Iraqi Prime Minister al-Maliki.

"Not Saddam, though." added Bush. "That guy's got no sense of humor."

When asked about the Iraq war, the looming recession, the corporate scandals, corruption, and the disastrous Katrina relief, Bush responded, "Well of course I had to be bad at my job, otherwise the prank wouldn't have been very funny, now would it?" He then added, "Oh, and don't forget 9/11! My thanks to Prince Bandar and his boys, for helping to make that happen."

Now that the April Fools Day shenanigans are all out of the way, Bush stated that he plans to retire early from his job as commander in chief, leaving the position empty until 2009. For as he put it, "It's not like I was going to do anything in the next nine months anyway, except bomb Iran, but I'll let the next president pull that prank."

Witch Faith is Which? Muslims & Christians: Coven Together at Long Cast

Friendship a brewin'? After centuries of religious disagreements between Muslims and Christians, finally the two faiths have found some common ground. The first step toward unity was taken by the Sunni Muslims of Saudi Arabia, who have recently made it a practice to honor Christian tradition by systematically tracking down, and prosecuting witches.

Before you adjust your computer clock, let me reassure you. This is not the 17th century. We are still in 2008, and Britney Spears is still in rehab.

The most publicized witch hunt of late, involves a middle aged, illiterate, Saudi woman named Fawza Falih, who now faces execution. [story here] In 2005, Ms Falih was detained by the Saudi Religious Police for (among other things) making a man impotent, something that, as I tell my wife, never occurs without witchcraft being involved. Keeping with the time honored practices of the Christian Church, the Saudis made defending herself next to impossible, forcing Ms Falih to finger print a confession that she could not read, and was not even read to her. Being that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, Christians the world over are taking this development as a sign that reconciliation between the two faiths may be on the horizon.

"You know, we really do have a lot in common." said Father O'Priestenson, a made up religious figure and imaginary spokesperson of the Christian faith. "I mean, both religions worship one God, we're all pretty uptight about sex, not big fans of the Jews, and we hate women. The Muslims just have the balls to take it to the next level! We used to do that." he added somberly. "But we've lost our way. We've lost our way."

Religious leaders on both sides, hope to capitalize on the current trend, and are encouraging affability. The Vatican recently stated its intentions to take the Muslims lead, and return to its more "Inquisitionary" roots. As a gesture of good will, Pope Benedict XVI plans to send Harry Potter star, Daniel Radcliff, to the Saudi Senior Council of Clerics as a gift, for them to deal with as they see fit.

The evil sorceress community, however, is less than thrilled with this development, many of them even choosing to live in hiding.

"This is a costume!" said one magical hag, when reached for comment. "We're doing Hansel and Gretel for my school play. Witches aren't real! I know that, and I'm six!" Sources report, she has become less snotty since being shipped off to Al-Hasa.

It is not known how long this run of religious amiability will last. The future is difficult to predict, particularly since, in some places, it is punishable by death. However it doesn't take an image in a bubbling cauldron for this reporter to see, that this bond will last for a very long time, providing no one brings up the topic of alcohol, television, or Jesus.

Breaking News: Bush to Commission Cloned Army

With frequent troop rotations in Iraq and Afghanistan, a recruitment slump, and the potential for an Iran war still looming on the horizon, concerns that the U.S. army may be overextended are growing.

"It's stretched to the breaking point." said Andrew Krepinevich, a retired army officer who authored a Pentagon report known as The Thin Green Line. "Any additional stress and it could completely fracture." Though he was referring to a lone paper clip that was holding together the 136-page report, he could just as easily have been speaking about the military.

Wasting no time, President Bush stated in a press conference, today, that he plans to commission a new army of super clones to aid the struggling U.S. military. These clones will, and have already been, grown and maintained by private companies similar to Blackwater and other mercenary outfits that the U.S. currently has on its payroll.

Bush touted the benefits of his new army. "Clones can think creatively, making them immensely superior to droids." he began. "They are 100% obedient, taking any order without question. They have been modified to make them less independent than the original host, Carl Rove."

The announcement has caused ripples of controversy throughout Washington. The fact that the clones are already grown, and able to be stationed, raises some questions. One being, "WTF?" another being, "Why?" Even with growth acceleration, the current batch of clones would had to have been initiated over a decade ago, meaning that the project must have been going on secretly for years. As chairman of the Democratic National Committee, Howard Dean, was quoted as saying, "Blind we are, if creation of this clone army we could not see."

On top of this, there are fears that any army made up of hired mercenaries, cloned or not, is lacking in oversight, not beholden to the people, and could easily be used against the United States citizenry in a military coup/empire creation. However, President Bush successfully squelched those fears by promising that, although the tactic has been attempted in numerous societies, and blockbuster movies throughout history, he will never ever try it in the U.S., he pinky swears.

Child Born with Mark of the Beast

It is a tale as old as time.

...Or as old as the New Testament anyway. The events prophesied by the Christian Bible, and then more accurately by Hollywood, have finally come to pass. On September 4th of this year, a child was born to Frida and Richard Barton. Mikey, as they named him, is a normal, healthy baby in every way, except for small complication that he may, in fact, be pure evil. The evidence for this is the unambiguous marking which adorns the child's visage. It is the infamous mark of the beast, the beast from Disney's Beauty and the Beast, to be exact.

The Bartons were surprised at first. "We assumed it was a rub-on child's tattoo that the doctor, or one of the nursing staff had put on Mikey as a gag." explained Frida. "Even when the doctor's eyes turned black and he collapsed dead, we just thought he was very committed to the joke."

However in retrospect, the Bartons noticed oddities about the pregnancy from the very beginning. "We were having trouble conceiving at first." Frida recalled. "Then I began having horrible nightmares about Disney C.E.O., Bob Iger, negotiating a merger with Pixar. Two weeks later, I was pregnant. We really should have known."

Despite the fact that their child may signify the end of humanity, The Bartons are coping well with the development. "His marking isn't all that bad." Richard mused about his son's disfigurement. "We liked the Disney movie. Frankly, I would have preferred the singing teapot, but after all, prophesy is prophesy! We'll probably cover it up with makeup, you know, so he doesn't get teased at school."

As far as the apocalypse is concerned, one thing is for certain. Now that the events are unfolding, we can all finally stop worrying about it. Just take a page from the book of Bartons, and look on the bright side! For as Richard says, "Sure, it's embarrassing that we happened to sire the Antichrist, but at least we only have to live with it until the end of time!"

Aside from kidnapping a number of our reporters, Disney has yet to address the issue.

Professor of Physics’ Brain Besmarted by Faith Healery

“Every day I wake up, go through the crossword, then try to solve equations that explain the nature of the universe.”

Francis Xavier Guiles, noted professor of physics, was not always this way. Born with a debilitating brain disorder, he spent most of his life on the streets, begging for change. “I don’t know why I bothered.” He’d often muse, “I’d just end up swallowing most of it.”

But everything changed for him in July 2003, when a passer-by brought Guiles to see Benny Hinn, a wealthy televangelist, author, and all around Jesus pal. Lord Hinn regularly organizes “Miracle Crusades” in which he heals the sick through the power of prayer, asking for nothing in return but his follower’s acceptance of Jesus, and millions of dollars in donations.

I had the opportunity to interview Professor Guiles in his U of T office, where he recounted his miraculous transformation.

“My memories of the events leading up to the healing are foggy due to my former condition,” The professor reminisced, “but everything that follows is clear as a bell.” Guiles puffed on a gold rimmed pipe, adjusted his bifocals, and straightened his “I’m With Stupid (compared to me)” T-shirt before he continued. “Benny Hinn put his hand on my forehead, closed his eyes, and bellowed a prayer into the microphone. I felt a white light enter my soul, and radiate through my entire body. Then I fell back, screaming some sort of gibberish, something I had been doing my whole life, but this was different. This was Godly gibberish. Then suddenly, the light faded, and everything was clear. The doctors tell me my IQ shot up close to 200 points that day.”

I asked Guiles what his first thoughts were, following these miraculous events. “Oh, that’s when I realized the whole thing was a hoax.” He replied. “It’s all just actors, hypnotism, and magic tricks used to fool the desperate into handing over their money. I mean, c’mon! You actually believe that crap? What are you, a retard?”

It was at this point that I cut my interview with Xavier short, as Lindsey Lohan had just returned to rehab again. God, I hate my job.

Breaking News: Local Man Loses Lottery

34 year old Steven Clemens, from Brampton Ontario, just found out that he failed, once again, to win the 6 million dollar Super 7 Jackpot. With not even one of his numbers coming within fifteen of the drawn results, he was not even close.

"I've been playing this lottery for over nine weeks." Clemens was quoted as saying, "You'd have thought I'd have won at least a couple of times by now." But for some odd reason, Clemens' numbers have never been picked. "I always play the same numbers," Clemens explained, "my wife's age, and my two girl's birthdays. I don't want to blame them, but I'm just not sure what else to think."

The actual winner, some 46 year old tart of a waitress, has been featured in many papers throughout the province. "I don't get it." says Clemens, "Every time I read about the lottery, I always see that some new person has won millions! It's like the lottery people are just giving away free money to everyone else, but they expect me to keep paying them for tickets, without getting anything in return!" Clemens then added, "Well I'm sorry, but that's just not how the world works."

Though crestfallen from the tragedy of these recent events, Clemens plans to continue playing Super 7, in the hopes that this bizarre abnormality will one day correct itself.

News You Can Re-Use

Dateline: Wednesday August 8th, 2007

A bridge has collapsed. A mine, imploded. 6 men are still trapped inside. A global stock market slump threatens disaster. The Iraq war rages on. The Darfur crisis has no end in sight... But against all odds, ONE paper has the GUTS to report what the PEOPLE want, no... NEED to see:

God Bless You, Toronto Sun!

The Most Legitimatest Newsy-Thing
In All of History Times!

Now there's only one story left to cover:

What ever happened to Batboy?

Breaking News: Blog Created, World Changed Forever

In the mid-afternoon on August 7, 2007 world leaders exhaled a sigh of relief as a new blogger arrived on the web, issuing in a new era of peace and prosperity for all. The blogger, Odourboy, the name being decreed by God himself (it was the first name that God tried that wasn't taken), promises that his blog will be a breath of fresh air.

"The internet is filled with blogs from people of all walks of life, sharing all of their different beliefs, and opinions." Odourboy stated in a press conference, early Tuesday Morning, "The way that my blog will differ, is that MY beliefs and opinions are correct." He then proceeded to down a bottle of cough syrup, flip off various members of the press, and push his way towards the ladies room, where he remained for hours.

We applaud this new voice of reason, and we eagerly await his sagely words of wisdom. Surely, August 7th will forever be known as the day something was posted on the internet.