A Japanese Sex-Robot Love Poem - For Valentine's Day

I cannot say I was a man,
'Til you arrived here from Japan.
I knew one day, you would be mine,
Because I ordered you on-line.

The waiting was unbearable,
But then, to start this parable,
You finally came. My heart, it shook,
‘Twas worth the postman’s dirty look.

First you were cold, spurned my advance.
I began to think I had no chance.
You’d not respond despite my pleas,
‘Till I installed your batteries.

Your silicone and latex skin,
Your glass-eyed stare, and vacant grin,
Your internal heater warms my heart,
Your vibrator warms my other part.

I’d like to take you out some day,
On a romantic getaway.
We’d soak up the sun, swim in the sea,
But that would void your warranty.

Words can’t express the way I feel.
One can’t describe a love so real.
So what on earth am I to do
For my next consumer review?

There’s still so much about you, though,
That even now, I’ve yet to know.
It’s ‘cause, of course, you’re such a tease,
Your manual’s in Japanese.

But we’re in love. That much is clear.
And when I say this, I’m sincere:
I’ll love you ‘til the end of time,
Or until I see next year’s design.




!!!BONUS ALTERNATE ENDING!!!

They say, one day, machines will rise,
And be the tool of man’s demise.
If that day comes, I won’t get testy.
Armageddon’s never been so sexy.

Coo-coo for Haiku

For those of you that are new to the world of the Haiku, the Haiku is an ancient form of Japanese poetry. In order to appreciate its true greatness, each poem must be read slowly, with the focus placed on every single word. Examine how each word affects you, and pay attention to the images that the poems evoke. Listening to new age music may help enhance your experience. It might also help if you are incredibly, incoherently high.

Haiku sits on page
No rhythm, no flow, no rhyme
Not a real poem

'Late Night'

Jimmy Fallon to host
The Earth weeps

Stripper calls bouncer
Man shrugs, G-string full of cash...
Canadian Tire

Cautious soul
Softly pulls my finger
Funny joke

Comet falls from sky
A true wonder to behold
...Smashed my fucking car

Five syllables here
And this one must have seven
Pain in the ass... es

What? Six syllables now?
Behold, the free form Haiku!
*cough* Lazy writing.

Years of tradition
wiped away in an instant
by one dumb ass blog

A Polygamist Cult Love Poem

I think that I shall never see
A telephone, or DVD,
But that’s just fine, love’s all I need,
Plus a wife, or two, like God decreed.

That’s where you come in, my sweet, so fair,
With your layers of full body underwear,
Nothing makes my thoughts uncleaner
Than your downward gaze, and meek demeanor.

The braids so tight around your head,
Get me so hot, they make me red.
But that hue’s forbidden, it’s for the Creator,
I’ll have to beat you for that, later.

When first we met, I knew we’d wed,
And that I’d have you in my bed.
I knew my love, you’d not renounce,
‘Cause you were just 8 lbs, 1 oz.

You’d proclaim our love to the world around,
Or at least to those in the compound,
But of course, you can’t. That’s just absurd,
We only taught you basic words.

Nothing could ruin our wedding day,
‘Cept the government swat team that took you away.
But you need your husband! It’s obscene!
Don’t they know you’re just thirteen?

So now you’re gone, but please don’t cry.
I love you dear, and F.Y.I.,
Since she’s still here, somehow they missed her,
I’m now married to your younger sister.

The Anti-Friendship E-Poem

Some people contribute to society, others write chain letters poems. Apparently, I'm the latter. I was sent one too many cutesy friendship poems, and this is the result:

Feel free to steal this from me, and forward it to YOUR friends!
...(ahem) former friends.

Why do We Fear the Sasquatch? A Poem

Someone asked me once:

"Why do we fear the sasquatch?"

Oh I don't know, maybe because:

A) They're unnatural
B) They faked the moon landing
C) They're stockpiling depleated uranium
D) They're destroying the sanctity of marriage
E) Our radar cannot detect their submarines, so they probably have undetectable submarines
F) They control Hollywood
G) They think they're so cool
H) They make us spend our precious time composing lists
I) They stole me lucky charms
And finally...
J) They make you love them, then they break your heart :'(

So think of this next time you feel like asking a stupid question, and maybe YOU won't end up tied to a chair in my garage.