Benedict XVI's not here, man! The Vatican Goes All Hippie-Like

There must have been something funny in the Eucharist last Sabbath. Archbishop Gianfranco Girotti, "Oddjob" to Pope Benedict's "Goldfinger", has come out with a new list of modern sins that most would agree sounds pretty "groovy". The list includes a few of the old "greatest hits" such as: Thou shalt not sheath thine serpent in latex, and Thou shalt keepeth thine stem cells to thine self. But among the obligatory conservative dogma, a few progressive notes happened to slip in. Girotti rallied against big business, excessive wealth, polluters, and any who help widen the gap between the rich and the poor. Yes, he really stuck it to "The Man".

Girotti went on to say that, "You offend God...[by] carrying out morally debatable experiments that manipulate DNA..."

Hearing things like this is enough to make a left wing liberal spill his bong water in shock. It's amazing that it has taken so long for hippies and the Vatican to find some common ground, particularly since Jesus was the first hippie (not counting Adam and Steve). As nice as these events are, however, they do bring to light an issue I've had with the extreme left for quite some time.

First let me say this: I like hippies. They are open minded, friendly, and generous. I agree with most of what they stand for, enjoy their loose, hairy women, and believe they have done nothing but improve North America ever since they immigrated here from their native Amsterdam.

What is this problem I have with the hippies? Is it their 3:00 AM drum circles? Chronic, indiscriminate drug use? Ineffective deodorant? Dreadlocks? No, all those things are adorable. I am referring, of course, to the issue of genetic engineering.

Hippies and the cartoonishly religious shun anything to do with genetic modification (as it is defined today), and hippies are particularly wary of any genetic alteration in our food chain. I grant you that genetic experimentation should not be entered into lightly, and there is a great danger in allowing corporations too much control over the process. No one wants to see a 400 ton Ronald McDonald rampaging down the block. The man sized version is creepy enough. DNA manipulation is a powerful tool, and thus, could potentially be turned into a dangerous weapon, just like nuclear energy, or the paper clips I shoot at pedestrians, but I think the potential benefits far outweigh the possible problems, just like Ashley Olson far outweighs Mary-Kate.

Lets take a step back, for a moment, and discuss what genetic alteration actually is. Don't look now, but your DNA has already been manipulated. So has the DNA of your family, friends, the tree in your yard, the ladybug on its branch, and the rat in your lab that you do genetic experiments on. Your ancestors have been selectively bred for generations, changing the way you think, look and act, simply by virtue of the fact that they survived just long enough to pop out a kid. It's a completely natural process of evolution that has gone on ever since life began, at least 40 or so years ago.

"That's all well, and good!" you say. "But that's nature! (or Vishnu) Man shouldn't try to change it, himself!"

Well first, I'll kindly ask you to use gender non-specifics, you sexist bastard. Secondly, humans have been screwing with gene pools since before the invention of the outhouse. One example of this is the common dog, or Canis poopus couchstainius. We humans took domesticated wolves, and changed their DNA by breeding them based on the traits we wanted to see, until they eventually became every different kind of dog that exists today. Thats why they call those types a "breed", and that's also why deep in the heart of every toy poodle is a vicious killer lusting for your blood. The results are the same, the DNA is changed, and godless monsters are created. It's just the processes that are different.

If Pope Jr. is right, and this is the line between good and evil, then dog show participants are more hell bound than I thought, and that mullet-haired guy who drowns kittens in the park is doing God's work. I owe Donald an apology.

It's going to take a while, but once we've mastered playing genetic Plinko, it will spell the end of most of the worlds problems. Disease, famine, amputations, Victoria Beckham, even the energy crisis will all be things of the past. What's more is, despite whatever anyone might say or do, it's a-gonna happen. The genetic age is coming, and no amount of Bible quotes, or magic brownies will stop it. So don't waste your booze fueled passion (this applies to both groups) on halting genetic research. Use it, instead, to steer it in a safely democratic, anti-corporate direction, so as to keep it out of the hands of the Debbies of the world. (Sorry, Debbie's a woman that works at my office. She can be a real bitch.)