Doctor Who Cosmic Encounter!

It's time I confess something. I'm a touch on the geeky side—I don't know if you can tell. How much so? Well, for starters, I did this: I took aliens from the legendary British sci-fi show, Doctor Who, and (with a little help from my gaming group) translated them into powers for my favorite board game, Cosmic Encounter. I figure that puts me on the chart somewhere... somewhere around this guy.

The powers are designed to be fully compatible with the Fantasy Flight edition of the game.

I've been able to try them out only once, so they may need tweaking, but they were a blast! I can honestly say this was the most fun I've ever had playing this game, and that's saying a good nine-eights of a butt-load.

Anytoots, without further ado, here are the powers in question:

And, of course, the accompanying flare cards:

Enjoy!

Do You Data-Mind??

These personalized social networking adds are getting a little too on-the-nose.

My Favorite Thing About Google+

This is my very first conversation on Google+.

The nicest feature of Google+? Retroactive comment editing!

*If you're confused, we weren't originally talking about killing hobos. (I changed the first comment! Shhh!) Get it now? Ok, then I give up.

A Japanese Sex-Robot Love Poem - For Valentine's Day

I cannot say I was a man,
'Til you arrived here from Japan.
I knew one day, you would be mine,
Because I ordered you on-line.

The waiting was unbearable,
But then, to start this parable,
You finally came. My heart, it shook,
‘Twas worth the postman’s dirty look.

First you were cold, spurned my advance.
I began to think I had no chance.
You’d not respond despite my pleas,
‘Till I installed your batteries.

Your silicone and latex skin,
Your glass-eyed stare, and vacant grin,
Your internal heater warms my heart,
Your vibrator warms my other part.

I’d like to take you out some day,
On a romantic getaway.
We’d soak up the sun, swim in the sea,
But that would void your warranty.

Words can’t express the way I feel.
One can’t describe a love so real.
So what on earth am I to do
For my next consumer review?

There’s still so much about you, though,
That even now, I’ve yet to know.
It’s ‘cause, of course, you’re such a tease,
Your manual’s in Japanese.

But we’re in love. That much is clear.
And when I say this, I’m sincere:
I’ll love you ‘til the end of time,
Or until I see next year’s design.




!!!BONUS ALTERNATE ENDING!!!

They say, one day, machines will rise,
And be the tool of man’s demise.
If that day comes, I won’t get testy.
Armageddon’s never been so sexy.

The Poker Game

A group of friends enjoy a spirited game of poker, and we get to watch! Isn't life grand?

Travel Tips: Germany

Being forced to travel to Germany? Ja? Well, here are some handy German phrases that every tourist should know whilst traversing the great and noble land of the Deutsch. Good luck, and happy Germaning!


Hello. My name is _______.
Guten Tag. Mein name ist _______.

How are you?
Wie geht es Ihnen?

Your country smells like pee.
Deine Landgeruche wie Pipi.

Do you speak english?
DO... YOU... SPEAK... ENGLISH?

Which way to the library, Ass-Face?
Welche weise zur Bibliothek, Esel-Gesicht?

Oh Snap! No you di'ent!
Oh verschluss! Nein, tatest du ni-icht!

I love you...
Ich liebe dich...
...for 6 euros.
...für sechs Euro.

Thank you for not gassing me in the shower.
Danke schön für das Gasen ich nicht in der Dusche.

Rejected Retro: Cover Letter

Going through some old files, I found this cover letter that I actually wrote to a restaurant many moons ago. I never even got an interview. Go figure...

May 25, 2001

To Whom it May Concern, 

I am interested in applying for the job of kitchen help in your fine restaurant. 

I have had some experience in the kitchen, for example my brief stint as a Chester Fried Chicken and Sub Shack aficionado. Also, I come from a long line of kitchen help. My Father helped in a kitchen, as did his father, and his father before him. His father did not help in a kitchen, but he did use dinner plates to practice skeet shooting. Moreover, as a boy I used to visit my great uncle Agustus who owned a scouring pad farm. He would teach me every day about the in’s and out’s of scouring, all the do’s and do not’s, how to treat your scouring pad just right. Yes, he went on and on about the scouring pad, not to mention the scrub brushes. Finally, my mother used to threaten me with a carrot peeler if I did not help out in the kitchen at home. She did not pay me however. I guess you would call that volunteer work.

Please feel free to contact me for an interview, or if you have any questions. My phone number is (CENSORED) , and my e-mail is (CENSORED) I look forward to chatting with you.

Yours truly,  

Kennedy Allen

Will Net Neutrality Affect Our Pornography?

An expert commentary by Professor R. J. Pendleton

Everyone knows that unless net neutrality is enforced, there will be a tremendously harsh impact on small businesses, free market competition, internet prices, democracy, freedom of speech, and privacy. Yeah yeah, whatever. But will a lack of net neutrality affect the thing on the internet that people actually care about, pornography? The answer, of course, is "Duh", you idiot.

Net neutrality is the idea that all traffic on the interweb moves at the same rate. Internet service providers (ISP's) wish to change that, making the internet into a tiered system whereby web sites will have to pay the ISP's big bucks in order to have access to the net at full speed. To illustrate, imagine it's the 1950's, and you're sitting in a local burger joint, sharing a malt with your best girl. (Note: In order for this analogy to work for you, you will have to have at least one penis.) In comes the pompadour-sporting, leather jacket-clad greaser, named... oh, say Bell Rogerson. He grabs your straw with his fingers, and squeezes, telling you to pay up, or he won't let go. Meanwhile Bessy-Lou is sucking up all of the malt through her straw, which is terrible because bulimia hasn't been invented, and she's going to look chunky for the big dance. The ISP's wish to be that greaser, and it's tough to blame them, because he does seem pretty cool.

If The ISP's succeed, it will mean that they will be able to slow down access to any sites they wish, as well as peer to peer file sharing between internet users. This will be incredibly detrimental to the average pornography viewer as the majority of porn sites are humble Mom, Pop, and naughty co-ed operations, which would not have the money to pay for the higher speeds. Of course, there would still be big business porn sites that would have the ability to pay, but they would all cater to mainstream audiences. What about the dirtier, raunchier, abnormal porn of questionable legality that I like? That stuff would be much harder to find, and the download speeds would be so terrible that I probably wouldn't even finish downloading one 5 minute upskirt video before I had a class to teach.

And what about those of us that make our own movies to share? For example, if I were to upload a video of myself in latex, hanging upside down, being asphyxiated by oatmeal, without net neutrality it would be almost impossible for anyone to see it, and there goes half the thrill right there.

The answer is clear. There must be net neutrality legislation ASAP. Please call or write your government representatives, and make sure they do the things in the law making place. Lusty school girls everywhere are counting on you.

http://www.saveournet.ca/content/take-action

Are Rhetorical Questions in the Media Getting Out of Hand?

It seems more and more, these days, that the media is using rhetorical questions to grab the public's attention, but are they really effective? Do they actually keep the public captivated for longer than they would be normally? Can the technique be over used? Is there such a thing as too many rhetorical questions? Are there consequences for using an inordinate number of them? Can too many rhetorical questions annoy the audience to the point that the audience stops caring entirely? Does the media really need an audience that has such a short attention span? Can an audience be called an audience if the medium that they are enjoying happens to be in print? Can this be called enjoyment? Are all of these even rhetorical questions? Or are some of them just a form of mock dialog? Can research be done ahead of time by the author in order to keep him from embarrassing himself? Can the words "wasting everyone's time" be added to that last sentence? Why does the author even write things like that when they clearly hurt his feelings? Is that a tear in his eye? Is the little baby gonna cry? If he said it was just a speck of dirt under his eyelid, would anyone believe him? How about, if he said it was an allergy? Is he allergic to suckiness? If so, would that explain everything?

To answer these questions, we called upon Dr. Earnest Whorrell at the International Language Institute In Halifax, Nova Scotia.

"To start off with, yes. Rhetorical questions do tend to keep an audience more attentive." Whorrell claimed.

But can he really be trusted?

Outrageously Homophobic Jay III

At last, the long awaited finale of the critically acknowledged Homophobic Jay Trilogy has arrived!

You can view the first two chapters here:
#1 The Fruity Sketch
#2 Pete's Journal