A Polygamist Cult Love Poem

I think that I shall never see
A telephone, or DVD,
But that’s just fine, love’s all I need,
Plus a wife, or two, like God decreed.

That’s where you come in, my sweet, so fair,
With your layers of full body underwear,
Nothing makes my thoughts uncleaner
Than your downward gaze, and meek demeanor.

The braids so tight around your head,
Get me so hot, they make me red.
But that hue’s forbidden, it’s for the Creator,
I’ll have to beat you for that, later.

When first we met, I knew we’d wed,
And that I’d have you in my bed.
I knew my love, you’d not renounce,
‘Cause you were just 8 lbs, 1 oz.

You’d proclaim our love to the world around,
Or at least to those in the compound,
But of course, you can’t. That’s just absurd,
We only taught you basic words.

Nothing could ruin our wedding day,
‘Cept the government swat team that took you away.
But you need your husband! It’s obscene!
Don’t they know you’re just thirteen?

So now you’re gone, but please don’t cry.
I love you dear, and F.Y.I.,
Since she’s still here, somehow they missed her,
I’m now married to your younger sister.

Top Ten List of Extremely Controversial Things

The following list contains products and ideas that are extremely controversial in nature. Rejected Musings understands that there are two sides to every issue, and that both sides often have equally valid points. Rejected Musings, and it's staff wish to remain neutral on these hot-button issues, and neither endorse, nor condemn the use, or practice, of any of the items listed below.

1. Necro-Puppetry
2. Ethnic slur cookies
3. Octogenarian wardrobe malfunctions
4. Bloodmobile bag fights
5. Fur-lined abortion tools
6. Dr. assisted panda suicide
7. Guns for Fetuses exchange programs
8. Ron Howard
9. Black rhino flavored steroid needles
10. Abstinence only education for disabled war veterans (taught via Necro-Puppetry)

Bush: "Gotcha!" Joke Presidency an Actual Joke

In the largest press conference in presidential history, today George W. Bush addressed a crowd of thousands for what he called an emergency "Talkie-Thing". Uncharacteristically for the Bush administration, every member of the press from the largest cable news station reporters, to the smallest left-wing college newspaper editors were invited to hear the President speak.

"I know many of you have been wondering for quite some time," Bush began. "how it is that I am still your president."

There were some murmurs in the crowd, and one "We love you!" from a Fox News correspondent.

"I admit, I haven't been what most would consider to be a 'good', 'effective', or even 'remotely competent' president. Some of you, I'm sure, think that I should be impeached, while others are completely baffled as to how I got here in the first place." Bush laughed softly as he looked out at the crowd, his head bobbing slightly. "Well to that, all I have to say, is April Fools!"

Amid an array of gasps, grumbles, and sobs, the President continued his prepared speech, then gave up, after failing to pronounce the surprisingly real word, "comicality". According to the speech, Bush's entire time in office has been one giant, 8-year-long practical joke designed to culminate on this, the last April Fools day of his presidency.

The President carried on, ad-lib. "I mean, I didn't even win in the first place! Everyone knows that! This guy did!" He gestured to his left, as a laughing Al Gore took the stage.

Putting his arm over Bush's shoulder, Gore stated, "I just wanted to see the look on all of your faces! Totally worth it!" A quick high-five between the two followed, as well as a pretend punch to the stomach thrown by the Nobel Prize winner. "Thank God for the Supreme Court, and those paperless voting machines." Gore chuckled, "You people almost blew the joke!"

Gore explained that the Supreme Court Justices were all in on the gag, as was the house, senate, John Kerry, John McCain, and Iraqi Prime Minister al-Maliki.

"Not Saddam, though." added Bush. "That guy's got no sense of humor."

When asked about the Iraq war, the looming recession, the corporate scandals, corruption, and the disastrous Katrina relief, Bush responded, "Well of course I had to be bad at my job, otherwise the prank wouldn't have been very funny, now would it?" He then added, "Oh, and don't forget 9/11! My thanks to Prince Bandar and his boys, for helping to make that happen."

Now that the April Fools Day shenanigans are all out of the way, Bush stated that he plans to retire early from his job as commander in chief, leaving the position empty until 2009. For as he put it, "It's not like I was going to do anything in the next nine months anyway, except bomb Iran, but I'll let the next president pull that prank."