Identity Theft is a Huge Problem: a Commentary by Don Cheadle

Hi! I'm Hollywood's Don Cheadle. I am a very famous person. I'm a film producer, author, philanthropist, and man about town, but you probably know me from my numerous acting roles in such films as Ocean's Eleven, Crash, and Hotel Rwanda. But I'm not here to talk about me, I'm here to talk about a big problem facing the world today, identity theft.

Identity theft is affecting more and more Americans every day. In fact, statistics show that every 4.3 seconds, 12 senile old ladies give their credit card numbers over the phone to someone impersonating a dead relative. Don't take my word for it. Get a phone book, and try it out yourself! It's easy. But did you know that there is another kind of identity theft? One that isn't harmless? Well there is, and it affects the most productive members of our society, wealthy actor/author/film producers.

Think about it. I am so outrageously famous, and have such philanthropic clout, that anyone could take my name, and affix it to anything they wanted to, be it a product endorsement, wacky telephone answering machine message, or cheesy web log commentary. This gives the message, or product, the pungent allure of my natural man-musk, while at the same time, robbing me, Don Cheadle, of my hard earned credibility. For example, someone could make a cardboard cutout of me holding a bottle of Bathtime Soapy Suds, and giving a thumbs up. But I don't even like Bathtime Soapy Suds! They make my ears tickley.

Another thing an identity thief could do, is to make a Don Cheadle-brand fire alarm, where instead of a siren, it says words and phrases spliced together from my many Oscar nominated films. It could say things like "Fire! Evacuate the building!", and "There will be no rescue, no intervention for us. We can only save ourselves. Many of you know influential people abroad, you must call these people. You must tell them what will happen to us... say goodbye. But when you say goodbye, say it as if you are reaching through the phone and holding their hand. Let them know that if they let go of that hand, you will die. We must shame them into sending help." This is bad, because it is not proper fire safety etiquette. Also, my publicist tells me that I shouldn't associate myself with things that asphyxiate people.

As you can see, identity theft is a big problem for all of us. But there is still hope. We can work together to stop outrageously famous people's identity theft. If you see a celebrity endorsement, or an article written by a celebrity that you're pretty sure isn't real, tell a parent, or guardian, and get him or her to contact the authorities.

This has been Don Cheadle, Keepin' it Readle.
Does that sign off work? No? I was just trying it out.