Professor of Physics’ Brain Besmarted by Faith Healery

“Every day I wake up, go through the crossword, then try to solve equations that explain the nature of the universe.”

Francis Xavier Guiles, noted professor of physics, was not always this way. Born with a debilitating brain disorder, he spent most of his life on the streets, begging for change. “I don’t know why I bothered.” He’d often muse, “I’d just end up swallowing most of it.”

But everything changed for him in July 2003, when a passer-by brought Guiles to see Benny Hinn, a wealthy televangelist, author, and all around Jesus pal. Lord Hinn regularly organizes “Miracle Crusades” in which he heals the sick through the power of prayer, asking for nothing in return but his follower’s acceptance of Jesus, and millions of dollars in donations.

I had the opportunity to interview Professor Guiles in his U of T office, where he recounted his miraculous transformation.

“My memories of the events leading up to the healing are foggy due to my former condition,” The professor reminisced, “but everything that follows is clear as a bell.” Guiles puffed on a gold rimmed pipe, adjusted his bifocals, and straightened his “I’m With Stupid (compared to me)” T-shirt before he continued. “Benny Hinn put his hand on my forehead, closed his eyes, and bellowed a prayer into the microphone. I felt a white light enter my soul, and radiate through my entire body. Then I fell back, screaming some sort of gibberish, something I had been doing my whole life, but this was different. This was Godly gibberish. Then suddenly, the light faded, and everything was clear. The doctors tell me my IQ shot up close to 200 points that day.”

I asked Guiles what his first thoughts were, following these miraculous events. “Oh, that’s when I realized the whole thing was a hoax.” He replied. “It’s all just actors, hypnotism, and magic tricks used to fool the desperate into handing over their money. I mean, c’mon! You actually believe that crap? What are you, a retard?”

It was at this point that I cut my interview with Xavier short, as Lindsey Lohan had just returned to rehab again. God, I hate my job.