Connect the Dots!

Finished?

Surprise! It's the prophet, Mohammad!
Now RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!

My 2007 Vacation

Here are the pictures I took from my vacation this year. I had a great time!

My trip began in Egypt. Here I am in front of the Sphinx.

Then I went to good ol' Easter Island. I did not find even one Jesus egg.


This is a wall somewhere in China. It was really... what's the word I'm looking for... good.


Stopped off in Mexico to spend a typical afternoon with the natives.

Made a quick detour through the Jurassic period.


Took a trip to see the Hubble telescope. I wish MY camera had a lens like that! Haha. Just kiddng.


And finally, I arrived back home. Best vacation ever!

The Anti-Friendship E-Poem

Some people contribute to society, others write chain letters poems. Apparently, I'm the latter. I was sent one too many cutesy friendship poems, and this is the result:

Feel free to steal this from me, and forward it to YOUR friends!
...(ahem) former friends.

Why do We Fear the Sasquatch? A Poem

Someone asked me once:

"Why do we fear the sasquatch?"

Oh I don't know, maybe because:

A) They're unnatural
B) They faked the moon landing
C) They're stockpiling depleated uranium
D) They're destroying the sanctity of marriage
E) Our radar cannot detect their submarines, so they probably have undetectable submarines
F) They control Hollywood
G) They think they're so cool
H) They make us spend our precious time composing lists
I) They stole me lucky charms
And finally...
J) They make you love them, then they break your heart :'(

So think of this next time you feel like asking a stupid question, and maybe YOU won't end up tied to a chair in my garage.

Child Born with Mark of the Beast

It is a tale as old as time.

...Or as old as the New Testament anyway. The events prophesied by the Christian Bible, and then more accurately by Hollywood, have finally come to pass. On September 4th of this year, a child was born to Frida and Richard Barton. Mikey, as they named him, is a normal, healthy baby in every way, except for small complication that he may, in fact, be pure evil. The evidence for this is the unambiguous marking which adorns the child's visage. It is the infamous mark of the beast, the beast from Disney's Beauty and the Beast, to be exact.

The Bartons were surprised at first. "We assumed it was a rub-on child's tattoo that the doctor, or one of the nursing staff had put on Mikey as a gag." explained Frida. "Even when the doctor's eyes turned black and he collapsed dead, we just thought he was very committed to the joke."

However in retrospect, the Bartons noticed oddities about the pregnancy from the very beginning. "We were having trouble conceiving at first." Frida recalled. "Then I began having horrible nightmares about Disney C.E.O., Bob Iger, negotiating a merger with Pixar. Two weeks later, I was pregnant. We really should have known."

Despite the fact that their child may signify the end of humanity, The Bartons are coping well with the development. "His marking isn't all that bad." Richard mused about his son's disfigurement. "We liked the Disney movie. Frankly, I would have preferred the singing teapot, but after all, prophesy is prophesy! We'll probably cover it up with makeup, you know, so he doesn't get teased at school."

As far as the apocalypse is concerned, one thing is for certain. Now that the events are unfolding, we can all finally stop worrying about it. Just take a page from the book of Bartons, and look on the bright side! For as Richard says, "Sure, it's embarrassing that we happened to sire the Antichrist, but at least we only have to live with it until the end of time!"

Aside from kidnapping a number of our reporters, Disney has yet to address the issue.

The Miss Teen South Carolina 2007 World Map Fund for U.S. Americans

As Miss Teen South Carolina so elequently stated, some people in the United States do not have maps, and therefore will never have a chance to point out where, on the map, the U.S. is located. This is a travesty of such as proportions! At The World Map Fund for U.S. Americans, we tirelessly strive to raise funds to supply world maps to all people such as the Americans of America. Any funds left over will go toward the education, like, such as in South Africa and Iraq, everywhere like such as, in the hopes that they will... our education over here in the U.S., will help the U.S., er, will help South Africa and will help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future.., for our...

To join our cause, please visit our facebook group.

Professor of Physics’ Brain Besmarted by Faith Healery

“Every day I wake up, go through the crossword, then try to solve equations that explain the nature of the universe.”

Francis Xavier Guiles, noted professor of physics, was not always this way. Born with a debilitating brain disorder, he spent most of his life on the streets, begging for change. “I don’t know why I bothered.” He’d often muse, “I’d just end up swallowing most of it.”

But everything changed for him in July 2003, when a passer-by brought Guiles to see Benny Hinn, a wealthy televangelist, author, and all around Jesus pal. Lord Hinn regularly organizes “Miracle Crusades” in which he heals the sick through the power of prayer, asking for nothing in return but his follower’s acceptance of Jesus, and millions of dollars in donations.

I had the opportunity to interview Professor Guiles in his U of T office, where he recounted his miraculous transformation.

“My memories of the events leading up to the healing are foggy due to my former condition,” The professor reminisced, “but everything that follows is clear as a bell.” Guiles puffed on a gold rimmed pipe, adjusted his bifocals, and straightened his “I’m With Stupid (compared to me)” T-shirt before he continued. “Benny Hinn put his hand on my forehead, closed his eyes, and bellowed a prayer into the microphone. I felt a white light enter my soul, and radiate through my entire body. Then I fell back, screaming some sort of gibberish, something I had been doing my whole life, but this was different. This was Godly gibberish. Then suddenly, the light faded, and everything was clear. The doctors tell me my IQ shot up close to 200 points that day.”

I asked Guiles what his first thoughts were, following these miraculous events. “Oh, that’s when I realized the whole thing was a hoax.” He replied. “It’s all just actors, hypnotism, and magic tricks used to fool the desperate into handing over their money. I mean, c’mon! You actually believe that crap? What are you, a retard?”

It was at this point that I cut my interview with Xavier short, as Lindsey Lohan had just returned to rehab again. God, I hate my job.

Odourboy's Fascist Fashion Passion Bastion:

Strapless Dress, or Hapless Mess?

Hey there, Fashionistas. I'll be blunt. I'm no fashion guru. I never studied fashion design, or even shoe tying. I don't wave around effeminate fans with Karl Lagerfeld. I don't sip mint juleps with Tommy Hilfiger on the plantation. Nor do i throw gin bottles at children with Donatella Versace's reanimated corpse. Sorry, what? She's still alive? Wow. I don't do any of those things. I'm just a simple guy who puts on his burlap sack, one leg hole at a time. But even simple hill folk, like me, can see giant gaping holes in the logic of the conventional fashion practices of today. One of those being... any guesses? No, not sweatshops, silly! I'm referring, of course, to the strapless dress!

The fact that the strapless dress caught on is nothing short of a miracle. (move over, Saint David Blaine) I know that when one sees a picture of a model in a strapless dress, she (or he?) looks fantastic. But one thing that the average person does not take into consideration, is that five seconds after the shutter clicks, that model is hiking up that slipping dress top, for fear that someone besides her agent, might see her modely money-makers. Doesn't quite look so good then, does it? Therein lies the problem. An outfit cannot look good if the wearer must constantly fidget, and fuss with it.

Scientists from N.A.S.A calculated the slip rate of the strapless dress to 1.457 microcubits/gigasecond. This equates to a total number of boobal repositionings (you pulling up your dress top) of 12 per hour, or once every five minutes. I recently had the opportunity to test these findings, by peeking in the window of a local high school prom. Luckily, before being dragged away by police, I managed to see that the entire room was packed, wall to wall, with post pubescent girls wearing dresses "mit out strap". Young, sweet, luscious girls... Anyway my point is, that at any given time, there was at least one girl with her hands on her sagging boob holder, yanking it back up to where it belonged, denying both her date, and I, the only real reason that we were there.

The scientists assured me that there were ways to counteract this strapless droop effect. Here are some practical examples of ways you could do this for your next strapless event. You could:

• make the dress out of stainless steel, then bandage where necessary
• ensure that the dress is so tight around your chest, that not even your screams may escape
• completely cover your body with double-sided duct tape, then apply the dress in sections
• coerce a group of anglers to sit in the rafters, tugging at your top with fishing lures
• proceed as normal, then hire a team from Industrial Light and Magic to digitally alter all pictures and videos taken during the event
• surgically replace your nipples with Velcro tabs
• or, and this is a weird one, PUT A FREAKING STRAP ON IT!!!!

With all of these scientific arguments against the strapless dress, it is a wonder why it has taken us, as a species, so long to see the truth about them. Perhaps, we were just to busy balancing on our high heels to notice.

Breaking News: Local Man Loses Lottery

34 year old Steven Clemens, from Brampton Ontario, just found out that he failed, once again, to win the 6 million dollar Super 7 Jackpot. With not even one of his numbers coming within fifteen of the drawn results, he was not even close.

"I've been playing this lottery for over nine weeks." Clemens was quoted as saying, "You'd have thought I'd have won at least a couple of times by now." But for some odd reason, Clemens' numbers have never been picked. "I always play the same numbers," Clemens explained, "my wife's age, and my two girl's birthdays. I don't want to blame them, but I'm just not sure what else to think."

The actual winner, some 46 year old tart of a waitress, has been featured in many papers throughout the province. "I don't get it." says Clemens, "Every time I read about the lottery, I always see that some new person has won millions! It's like the lottery people are just giving away free money to everyone else, but they expect me to keep paying them for tickets, without getting anything in return!" Clemens then added, "Well I'm sorry, but that's just not how the world works."

Though crestfallen from the tragedy of these recent events, Clemens plans to continue playing Super 7, in the hopes that this bizarre abnormality will one day correct itself.

News You Can Re-Use

Dateline: Wednesday August 8th, 2007

A bridge has collapsed. A mine, imploded. 6 men are still trapped inside. A global stock market slump threatens disaster. The Iraq war rages on. The Darfur crisis has no end in sight... But against all odds, ONE paper has the GUTS to report what the PEOPLE want, no... NEED to see:

God Bless You, Toronto Sun!

The Most Legitimatest Newsy-Thing
In All of History Times!

Now there's only one story left to cover:

What ever happened to Batboy?