Odourboy's Fascist Fashion Passion Bastion:

Strapless Dress, or Hapless Mess?

Hey there, Fashionistas. I'll be blunt. I'm no fashion guru. I never studied fashion design, or even shoe tying. I don't wave around effeminate fans with Karl Lagerfeld. I don't sip mint juleps with Tommy Hilfiger on the plantation. Nor do i throw gin bottles at children with Donatella Versace's reanimated corpse. Sorry, what? She's still alive? Wow. I don't do any of those things. I'm just a simple guy who puts on his burlap sack, one leg hole at a time. But even simple hill folk, like me, can see giant gaping holes in the logic of the conventional fashion practices of today. One of those being... any guesses? No, not sweatshops, silly! I'm referring, of course, to the strapless dress!

The fact that the strapless dress caught on is nothing short of a miracle. (move over, Saint David Blaine) I know that when one sees a picture of a model in a strapless dress, she (or he?) looks fantastic. But one thing that the average person does not take into consideration, is that five seconds after the shutter clicks, that model is hiking up that slipping dress top, for fear that someone besides her agent, might see her modely money-makers. Doesn't quite look so good then, does it? Therein lies the problem. An outfit cannot look good if the wearer must constantly fidget, and fuss with it.

Scientists from N.A.S.A calculated the slip rate of the strapless dress to 1.457 microcubits/gigasecond. This equates to a total number of boobal repositionings (you pulling up your dress top) of 12 per hour, or once every five minutes. I recently had the opportunity to test these findings, by peeking in the window of a local high school prom. Luckily, before being dragged away by police, I managed to see that the entire room was packed, wall to wall, with post pubescent girls wearing dresses "mit out strap". Young, sweet, luscious girls... Anyway my point is, that at any given time, there was at least one girl with her hands on her sagging boob holder, yanking it back up to where it belonged, denying both her date, and I, the only real reason that we were there.

The scientists assured me that there were ways to counteract this strapless droop effect. Here are some practical examples of ways you could do this for your next strapless event. You could:

• make the dress out of stainless steel, then bandage where necessary
• ensure that the dress is so tight around your chest, that not even your screams may escape
• completely cover your body with double-sided duct tape, then apply the dress in sections
• coerce a group of anglers to sit in the rafters, tugging at your top with fishing lures
• proceed as normal, then hire a team from Industrial Light and Magic to digitally alter all pictures and videos taken during the event
• surgically replace your nipples with Velcro tabs
• or, and this is a weird one, PUT A FREAKING STRAP ON IT!!!!

With all of these scientific arguments against the strapless dress, it is a wonder why it has taken us, as a species, so long to see the truth about them. Perhaps, we were just to busy balancing on our high heels to notice.